Grandpa and the IRS

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IRS

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From:	James Bowen ... View Contact
To:

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an

extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.
Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars
that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says,
'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind,
so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures
and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has
wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's
attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can
stand on one side of your desk, and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never
get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,
but he looks carefully and decides there's no
way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips
his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all
over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning,
when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and pee all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you!
Don't Mess with Old People!!

The arrogance of Authority

The Arrogance of Authority?


DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"

Church Ladies With Typewriters...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you..
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Little Irishman

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an
elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and
says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'


The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

Michael Jackson Duet with Akon - Hold My Hand

Bill gates Vs GM

I got this sent to me via Email and thought it was so funny and true...


} ...BILL GATES AND GENERAL MOTORS: For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
' In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics
(and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!